Goodbye Job, Hello India!

I can’t believe I’m at the airport ( I remember booking this trip a year ago! ), bag checked in, officially unemployed, about to embark on a 9 week journey in the south of India, starting with a 30 day intensive yoga teacher training course, what was I thinking? As I type this I already feel incredibly exhausted!

And no wonder, the last few months for me have been an epic display of burning myself out, behaving in ways that I wouldn’t particularly class as loving towards myself. Maybe I was trying to distract myself from the fact that I had resigned from my well paid job of 5 years to go spend 2 months overseas in a third world country that people keep telling me is not safe and will blow my mind ( in good ways and bad )!

Whatever the reason, I have been looking for love and comfort in all the wrong places. I have kept my social calendar busy with way too many Tinder dates, trying to find a fix through feeling desired by emotionally unavailable men. Red wine has somehow become a daily part of my diet. I can’t remember the last time I actually cooked something decent at home. I have been out most nights keeping myself busy/distracted. And for the first time, in a long time, I am actually looking forward to getting on the plane so I can stop, put the phone and internet away and do nothing. NOTHING. Just me and my thoughts. India is now in charge, and all I need to do is get off the plane in Chennai and be open to all the life lessons she will throw my way, good and bad.

Working full time as a Personal Assistant/ Administrator, a majority of my waking life is spent organising everyone and everything, which I guess has made me somewhat of a control freak? I have decided to embark on this trip, not for just a month, but 2 months so I can work on letting go of this need to control my life down to the second! Instead, I want India to tell me what to do. Show me what I need to know. Teach me what’s really important. Make me feel and understand with my heart and mind, that the real source of love is not from external objects, like men on Tinder and a glass of shiraz, it’s from knowing who you really are, pure conscious awareness and then loving yourself wholeheartedly.

This is my story I am going to share with you all. This is what todayiloved is all about. Learning how to be in love with Self in the present moment and watching it then expand.

Time to go jump on the plane, sleep and then wake up on the other side! Yep, I am a little bit excited!!!



To love life, the mind must first love!

Before I achieved anything in my life, my mind was always consumed with fear, not love, anxiety filled fear!

I honestly believed I would never get a boyfriend and fall in love because I wasn’t attractive enough. I couldn’t be a radio announcer because I wasn’t funny enough. I couldn’t get a well paid job without a University degree because I wasn’t smart enough. I couldn’t travel, work and live overseas on my own for 2 years because I wasn’t brave enough. I couldn’t be grateful every day for an entire year and blog about it because I wasn’t positive enough. I couldn’t quit alcohol for an entire year and blog about it because I wasn’t confident enough. I couldn’t teach English at schools in Thailand because I wasn’t open minded enough and only recently, I couldn’t teach meditation classes to adults and children because I wasn’t calm enough.

Every awesome thought I’ve had, has always been followed by fear, yet when I loved and believed in myself, I was able to find the inner strength to push through the fear which helped me achieve everything listed above. Sadly though, this has not always been the case, there have been thousands of brilliant ideas and opportunities which I have lost, simply because I felt I wasn’t good enough. How sad. 

In just over a month, I will be living in an ashram in the south of India, completing 30days of intensive yoga teacher training, and of course my mind is consumed with fear around this! It continues to tell me that I am crazy, that I am wasting my time and money, that I will never be able to teach yoga, because, wait for it… I am not thin enough! Ok, so I am not your typical Lululemon wearing, super flexi, toned yogi, instead I would class myself as a healthy Australian size 10-12, with Dcup boobs ( that sometimes get in the way ), who has still yet to master many yoga positions including a head stand. But I think this is why I felt the strong desire to sign up for the yoga teaching training, so I can work on overcoming my body image fears that stop me achieving so many things. I want to complete this course to prove to myself that I am capable of being a great yoga teacher because I love yoga, and having a love for yoga, regardless of you body size, is enough to succeed!

I haven’t written on Todayiloved for a while, but during meditation today, when I asked my inner voice for guidance on overcoming fear, I was told to start writing again. To be honest about my own experiences of living with fear and anxiety, and how by meditating and focusing inwards helps me access the good stuff! The good thoughts that come from the sea of infinite knowledge, which some call God, the Universe, Spirit, whatever you like to call it, I simply like to call it awareness, which to me is just another term for love.

I am not going to lie, I am far from perfect when it comes to love, which is why I want to write about it. Every day I have negative thoughts about myself and others, which is something I am willing to change, you could say this is the ultimate Today i loved challenge. To sit back and become aware of my mind, a mind that runs on autopilot when reacting to my fears and desires. I have moments when I become lazy with my mind, I let it do whatever it wants, when it wants, my ego runs the show, and those are the times I always feel frustrated and disappointed when I don’t get what I want.

In 35 days time my life is going to get a little crazy, but in a good way! I have resigned from my job ( with no idea of when the next pay cheque will come ) to head over to India where I will spend the next 2 months doing yoga and meditation in a country that I’ve been told will blow my mind and expand my state of consciousness, to say the least! Yep, I defiantly overcame some serious fears when deciding to quit my job, go travel for a few months and then return home to the unknown. But I did this, with the understanding that I am greater than my fears and desires, when it comes to the mind, I am separate from my thoughts, they are not really me, my true nature is love. And when I stop trying to control every aspect of my life and just let go with an open mind, that’s when I grow, I learn new things, I create, I feel happy, I feel alive, I experience bliss!

So in saying all of this, I’m back to blog and write about what happens when you push through fear and listen to and trust love. Hidden under all the layers of ignorance, I am pure conscious awareness, which is simply love. Today I am setting myself the challenge of living this truth. Embracing the knowledge of who I am, I am good enough, I better than good enough! Today I loved knowing there is nothing I need to do to fix myself, I just need to access my true nature, not fear… love.

Fitbit and Fabulous in Feb!


When I think ‘improve my health’, it normally involves cutting back on crap, putting strict rules in place and being hard on myself. Only a week ago I had all of this in mind when signing up to Febfast, on online organisation that enables you to give up something for an entire month while raising money for a good cause. Feeling like I needed a total overhaul for gaining some weight over the holiday season, I registered to give up alcohol, sugar, processed food and social media for 28 days!

But how crazy is this sort of behaviour? It’s not healthy, it’s a form of self punishment for not being perfect. And its this sort of thinking, the guilt, the shame, that leads me to repeat the unhealthy behaviour as soon as I allow myself to pick up these banned items again.

So rather than fasting my way back in to good health in Feb, i’ve decided to trust myself to make good conscious choices and continue to have the alcohol, sugar, processed food and social media in moderation ( more so than others ) and… be Fitbit Fabulous instead.

I bought a Fitbit Charge HR a few days ago and I loooovve it!! It has got me outdoors in nature walking again, it inspires me to go the extra mile, i love that i can check my heart rate and track my sleep which over the last month hasn’t been the best.

Improving my health in February is not about losing a certain amount of weight or eating a certain diet, its about me feeling good about myself, not feeling bad! It’s about enjoying life while still being able to drop a dress size. Eating fresh healthy food, getting outside each day for some exercise, getting enough sleep, going to yoga, doing some meditation, occasionally enjoying a glass of wine or something sweet with friends while not feeling like a failure, this is what truly being healthy is all about! This is how you really love yourself!

Sobriety Week 52- 1 year sober!!


Well its official, I did it, I survived 1 year 100% sober, not even a cheeky glass of wine slipped in!! I gave up booze for 365 days and I feel very proud, seeing we live in a society that loves drinking booze as much as breathing air!

Its funny, now that I can have a drink, I don’t want one, I actually feel nervous, unsure how my body and mind will react when I have the first sip. Having not had one for such a long time, like a virgin, I want the first drink to be special, to be enjoyed slowly, in a nice environment, in the company of a good friend. When that will happen, I’m still not sure, I will decide when I’m in a positive state of mind and the moment feels right :)

I am grateful for having experienced a 12 month sobriety challenge, I now have a new respect for alcohol knowing that it’s an option that I can give or take. I have proven to myself that I can still enjoy life ( if not more ) when drinking sodas. But now, I look forward to being able to choose when I get to enjoy a glass of wine with family and friends. :)

Sobriety Week 51- Northern Territory!


Yep, right now, I have the best job in the world! Getting paid to travel to the warm, sunny top end of Australia ( from freezing cold Melbourne ), to camp and experience Northern Territory outdoors with 55 wonderful students for 2 weeks, ) even sleeping in a tent, on the ground, I haven’t felt this relaxed and happy in years!

Every day is stunning, outback Australia captures my heart more and more each day as we explore and take in the history and culture of Darwin, Kakadu, Katherine and the open plains of Arnhem Land, home to ancient Aboriginal rock paintings and large, dangerous crocodiles in rivers below.

As I come to the final week of my 1 year break from alcohol, its feels timely that the last 2 weeks is spent enjoying life around 14 year old students who do the same without needing a drink! This whole experience of being 1 year sober has taught me so much, that life can continue on, just as wonderful, sometimes even more so, when your clear headed and no longer a slave to needing booze to give you a buzz that life can give you for free! :)

Sobriety Week 50- Confidence!


Ever since i had my first drink, alcohol gave me confidence, without it social occasions were high anxiety events! But now, it’s crazy, a year without booze, ive created new habits, social events amoung drunk strangers are no longer scary, I enjoy life now from a  confidence within.

Sobriety Week 49- Ex Files!


Since being sober I have ( most of the time ) been happily single. A friend told me 2 months in to my sobriety that it’s good that I was only going to do it for 3 months because if I wanted to get back in to the dating scene, choosing to be sober I would find it a lot harder, seeing men much prefer a girl who drinks. That comment has stuck in my mind all year and yes, there is a certain aspect of it that I found true when briefly dating back in February, but I also believe that when it comes to relationships alcohol can also be a disadvantage when choosing the right man.

The reason I decided to ditch the booze last July was because, with my ex, towards the end of the relationship I used alcohol to take the edge off the anxiety I was feeling when we were together. Right before we broke up I binged drank my way through every uncomfortable emotion I was feeling as I knew in my heart, we weren’t going to last, we were two different people, wanting different things, yet I still loved him which made the decision to call it quits incredibly hard. Alcohol is wonderful at clouding judgement, I didn’t want to believe it wasn’t working, I wanted us, life to be perfect, so instead I ignored my emotions and drank lots of red! 

It’s nearly been a year since the last night I got drunk and then quickly after, became single again. Time has past, I heard through a friend my ex is now in a new relationship and I have briefly dated ( unfortunately no fireworks for me ) instead I realised I found more comfort in being on my own to take time to process what really went wrong in my heart and my head.

Through the 12 months sobriety challenge I have learnt a lot about how I deal with difficult emotions that arise, that my gut intution is right on the money and I shouldn’t ignore it by getting drunk on red! I have now redefined in my mind what I need and can offer a relationship for it to truly work and now feel I am ready and available for exactly just that when it next appears. 

In the near future I honestly see myself falling in love again, a deeper true love, enjoying together all that life has to offer including the occasional glass of wine in celebration of the good feelings, not the uncomfortable feelings I used to fear.

PS. Just thought I’d visually attach to this article my future preferred partner… no harm in dreaming big? :)